I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
