does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
