if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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