I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
