apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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