I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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