so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
