new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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