You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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