I faked an abortion last night.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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