I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
