if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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