I CAN MOONWALK!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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