i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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