My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
