I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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