i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't deserve a penis
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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