Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
