I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
