I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't deserve a penis
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
