Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
