hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
