in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
