I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
