I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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