She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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