did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Randomize
