walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
