Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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