bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
