A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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