So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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