I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
