so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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