Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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