His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
