so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
