my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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