I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
