I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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