I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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