I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
