the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
