I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
