people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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