There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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