If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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