she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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