fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
