Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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